How to Raise Mentsches, Not Bullies

The preschool teacher sent a nice note home: My delicious (OK, that’s my word) 2-year-old grandson L. had noticed that his classmate’s nose was running so he got a tissue and started to wipe the kid’s nose before the teacher swooped in with a lesson on hygiene.

L. should have given the lesson on empathy.

You read so much about bullying these days, but the two words I’ve never seen in those articles are “empathy” and “kindness.” And those are really the words that people need to understand, internalize, and teach to prevent and combat bullying.

I’ve seen bullying in the mom who screams when her child accidentally spills a glass of milk. And the dad who yells from the sidelines at Little League when the kid misses the ball. When the teacher smirks at a wrong answer. When a parent laughs derisively at an outfit the child has chosen herself to wear to school. Anything that diminishes, rather than enhances, a child’s sense of self is, to my mind, bullying. And the child learns the lesson—and goes and applies it to someone else, in other situations.
That is not to say that we as parents should not correct mistakes. Of course we should, that’s part of our job. But how we correct a mistake can be constructive or destructive. And how we act and talk to, and about, other people models behavior for our children.

One of my proudest experiences as a mother occurred over 20 years ago when my youngest son, A., was in day camp at the age of 4. The first few days he came home talking about a particular child, C., who seemed to be a little different from the other kids and who the other kids avoided. The day he told me that C. had an accident in the pool and soiled his bathing suit, I realized what was happening.

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