For My Son on the Autistic Spectrum, Where Does He Fit into the Jewish Community?

I watch my 5-year-old at Jr. Congregation on Shabbat, and I am amazed. Here, in a small room with children, songs, and a teacher he knows and loves, he is comfortable and in his element. He participates, and more than that, he wants to be a leader, a teacher, and a student. He runs onto the bimah in the sanctuary for Adon Olam, and he thinks he’s leading the congregation.

Witnessing my son’s emphatic participation is huge. He was first diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum at 2 years old. Thanks to my husband and sisters, who insisted he be evaluated on the early side, he has benefited from four years of intensive therapy with dedicated and talented therapists and teachers and has made astounding strides.

Still, what comes easy for his peers (social and play skills, trying new things, transitioning activities, appropriately expressing and tempering emotions) is difficult for my son. For example, he rarely initiates play and conversation with children his age, preferring to talk to his teachers or other adults in detail about topics other 5-year-olds generally do not find interesting, like geography and maps. He craves predictability, and is often anxious about new things, wanting to see in advance pictures or videos of places we are going to or things we are doing. He still struggles with sudden changes in his schedule.

Something that is not difficult for him? Being Jewish. Like many children on the spectrum, my son has developed strong interests in certain things–Judaism being one of them.

I did not worry about his place in the Jewish community when he was a toddler. But now, as he gets older and social demands and expectations increase alongside his interest in all things Jewish, I am anxious about what the future holds for him and what he wants to learn–where does he and other children with different learning needs fit in when it comes to our Jewish community?

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A Pirate Purim Party

Hi Everyone! I’m so excited for purim! It is my favorite holiday. I remember as a kid rushing around with my mom to get all the fun items for our family mishloach manot. My mom always came up with a poem, theme, or found a cute container. All these years later I’m still doing the same thing.

Every year I try to figure out what my kids will be interested in. Over the years we’ve done Pinkalicious, Dr. Seuss, dogs, and the list goes on and on. This year my kids decided they wanted to be Jake and the Never Land Pirates. I figured that would be easy. Get them all pirate costumes and we’ll do some sort of treasure hunt. As I started to plan I decided to take it one step further. The Usdan Family became the Shushan Pirates!

We’ve had so much planning and decorating. The kids helped me design a treasure map and goblets and find all the items for our treasure box, while I’ve been doing all the behind the scenes. Purim day we will drop off the treasure maps in their bottles to all our friends and they will use it to come to our house to pick up their treasure. I filled the treasure box with lots of gold coins and gold bars and of course triangle shaped Hamantashen.

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How Facebook Helped Me Cope with My “Mommy Fail"

“Tonight I failed my baby daughter.”

This was my status update on the night of November 7, 2012. I was sitting on my couch, feeling like the Worst Parent in the World. My 1-year-old twins were sleeping peacefully in the nursery. My husband had gone to bed, too, but I was wide awake, replaying the incident over and over in my head, trying to figure out how I had allowed myself to commit this lapse of good judgment. I normally reserved Facebook updates for cute pictures of my son and daughter, or of the Food Network recipes I was so proud of myself for successfully replicating, but tonight was different. It was a plea: Let me know I’m not the only one.

For the first year of the twins’ lives, I went everywhere and did everything that moms with just one baby did, in part to prove to myself that I wouldn't become one of those women who never showered or left the house all day. There I was, in the cute coffee shop, managing to feed the two of them at once (while feeding myself). I was there in the baby boot-camp class, ready to bench press my two oven roasters. We always arrived on time, while many mamas of one stood at the door pleading with the instructor to let them in 15 minutes late. As a family, we took field trips, flew on a plane, and dined in restaurants. There was nary a curb or narrow doorway that could hold me back, even as I pushed an increasingly heavy double-wide stroller.

People commended me for “just getting out of the house.” Sure, staying home seemed like the easier option but instinctively I knew that if I didn't get out every day I’d become a harried, sweat-pant wearing shut-in. Even though many women do what I do, I felt like a mommy badass–in other words, invincible.

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Purim 2013 Guide

Editor’s Note

Purim begins this year on Saturday evening, February 23, and continues through Sunday night, February 24. What follows is a brief step-by-step guide to Purim observance. We have also included links to additional Purim resources.

The festival of Purim is celebrated every year on the 14th of the Hebrew month of Adar (late winter/early spring). It commemorates the salvation of the Jewish people in ancient Persia from Haman’s plot “to destroy, kill and annihilate all the Jews, young and old, infants and women, in a single day.”

The story in a nutshell:

The Persian empire of the 4th century BCE extended over 127 lands, and all the Jews were its subjects. When King Ahasuerus had his wife, Queen Vashti, executed for failing to follow his orders, he orchestrated a beauty pageant to find a new queen. A Jewish girl, Esther, found favor in his eyes and became the new queen—though she refused to divulge the identity of her nationality.

Meanwhile, the anti-Semitic Haman was appointed prime minister of the empire. Mordechai, the leader of the Jews (and Esther’s cousin), defied the king’s orders and refused to bow to Haman. Haman was incensed and convinced the king to issue a decree ordering the extermination of all the Jews on the 13th of Adar—a date chosen by a lottery Haman made.

Mordechai galvanized all the Jews, convincing them to repent, fast and pray to G‑d. Meanwhile, Esther asked the king and Haman to join her for a feast. At the feast, Esther revealed to the king her Jewish identity. Haman was hanged, Mordechai was appointed prime minister in his stead, and a new decree was issued—granting the Jews the right to defend themselves against their enemies.

On the 13th of Adar the Jews mobilized and killed many of their enemies. On the 14th of Adar they rested and celebrated.

Continue reading for more of the story, traditions, recipes prayers and links.

What’s a Jewish Costume?

A couple of years ago, I received a telephone call at work from my then-7-year-old. Who, by the way, I didn’t even know could use a phone. Bad mommy, I know.

Lilly: Mama, can I be in the multi-cultural fashion show?

Me: Is it tomorrow?

Lilly (laughing): Of course it’s not tomorrow.

Me: Then this conversation can wait until tomorrow. Anyway, why would you be in a multi-cultural fashion show?

Lilly (eyes audibly rolling): I am Jewish, you know.

[Sidenote: the audible eye-rolling at 7 ought to have been a clue that she's going to give us a run for our money.]

I was intrigued that not only did Lilly sense that her Jewish identity extends beyond issues of faith, but she was willing to stand up and take her place among her Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Egyptian, and Indian classmates.

Now we just had to figure out what she should wear. I mean, it isn’t as if one could just go online and find a “Jewish” costume.

Ha-ha! If only this had taken place today. Because now Walmart has made it ever so easy for boys and girls to dress Jewish. Because there is such a high demand?

Looking for a Jewish costume for your son? So very many options from which to choose. He can be “King David“–a costume that is nearly identical to their “Royal King” one only with David Ha-Melech (in Hebrew letters, no less) embroidered on the back. Descended from the lowly Israelites but have a lifelong yearning to be a member of the Levites? No problem. Now your son, or husband as they have adult versions available, can don the “Jewish High Priest” costume. Walmart offers the opportunity to dress up your son as a “Seifer Torah” (Torah scroll), a “Jewish rabbi” (is there any other kind?), and a “Grand Jewish Rabbi.”

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PJ Library Corner: A Tree is Nice, Indeed

In case you didn’t know, there’s a minor Jewish holiday coming up on January 25th called Tu Bishvat, and it’s all about trees.

Oftentimes referred to as the “New Year for Trees” or the “Birthday of the Trees,” Tu Bishvat comes as the trees in Israel just start to blossom (we know, we know, there’s still snow on the ground in many places right now, including Israel, but an early springtime celebration never hurts).

Anyways, back to the trees: many families celebrate Tu Bishvat by planting trees and celebrating all that they have to offer. This month, PJ Library, an organization that sends out free Jewish books to families each month, offered up a true gem, just in time for Tu Bishvat: A Tree is Nice by Janice May Udry, illustrated by Marc Simont. Originally published in 1956 and winner of the Caldecott Medal, this charming picture book is a throwback to a simpler time, and a reminder to soak in the wonder of nature all around us.

Inside the book are simple lines like, “Trees are very nice. They fill up the sky,” and, “Trees make the woods. They make everything beautiful.” The pages are accompanied by elegant illustrations, making it easy for a reader of any age to see just how beautiful trees can be. The book also devotes a section to planting trees, a common Jewish tenet that is even more popular come Tu Bishvat time. If a tree seems a bit too big for your little ones to handle, planting your own parsley is another great idea (and it will be fully grown in time for your Passover seder!).

The funny thing about trees is that they ARE nice and they ARE everywhere but seldom do we give them much of a thought in our day-to-day lives. Whether it’s reading Udry’s book, going on a walk in your neighborhood to pick out a favorite tree, or planting your own, use Tu Bishvat as the perfect excuse to help your kids celebrate trees in all their leafy glory.

Want to get books like A Tree is Nice sent to your door every month, for free? Sign up for PJ Library. If you live in the New York metro area, you can sign up through Kveller by clicking here. Everyone else can find their local PJ community by clicking here.

How To Civilize Your Kids

Don’t pay someone else to teach your children etiquette. Just start early—and make them write thank-you notes. 

By Marjorie Ingall



(Photoillustration Tablet Magazine; original photo Shutterstock)

Last week, the New York Times ran its semi-annual story about consultants who give lessons to children about manners. This piece was well-timed, since I’m hearing lots of post-Hanukkah muttering from bubbes and child-free humans nationwide about children’s failures to send thank-you notes for gifts. The Times piece is essentially the same as every other bemoaning-the-death-of-manners piece the newspaper has run since the dawn of time. (Here’s one on the lack of manners at bar and bat mitzvahs! Here’s one on Petit Protocol classes at the Hotel Pierre! Here’s one on don’t-shriek-when-presented-with-asparagus-soup classes at a New Jersey hotel! Here’s one on some darling African-American children at a charter school who begin every class with Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” and this article is not at all anthropologically wide-eyed and condescending—oh wait, yes it is!) All these stories are really about parents falling down on the job, neglecting to teach civility, and outsourcing the task to strangers—some of whom charge hundreds of dollars for the privilege.

Put away your checkbooks. I will now teach you to civilize your little heathens for free.

You know those Hanukkah presents your children received? They have to say thank you. If they are old enough to hold a crayon, they are old enough to write a thank-you note. You say, “Let’s make a picture for Auntie Sophie! She sent you that fabulous plastic dreidel full of chocolate you ate in a nanosecond, remember?” If the kid is too young to write anything, you write the note on the picture and tell the kid what you’re doing. Believe me, children absorb things the way a latke absorbs oil, especially when these lessons are consistent. If the kid can write his name, have him sign the note. If the kid is physically capable of writing her own note, force her. If the child is hesitant, withhold food. Withhold affection. Our ancestors survived repeated attempts at annihilation; their descendants will survive being made to write thank-you notes.

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